I listened to every Eurovision 2017 entry, so you don’t have to

It’s become a little tradition of mine to give first impressions of the year’s Eurovision entries on the day the official album gets released.

This year, as last, I’m doing it in strict 140 character form: tweet sized commentary on every track.

I’ve listened to them all in the order they will be performed, rather than the order they appear on the album; for no other reason than because I can.

The entries

Toggle entries

Albania World by Lindita

Despite a fairly interesting middle eight, this song is fairly drab. I don’t like it. If I had to guess, you won’t either.

Armenia Fly With Me by Artsvik

Whilst the instrumentation is trippy, there’s less vocal punch in this track than on an overbooked United flight. Dull.

Australia Don’t Come Easy by Isaiah

This is as slick as usual from Australia, but it lacks the funk of 2015 and the sparkle of 2016. It’s good, but not amazing.

Austria Running On Air by Nathan Trent

I only have one question about this song: is this an advert for Nike?

This is fun, likeable song, but it’s no showstopper.

Azerbaijan Skeletons by Dihaj

This track sounds like I imagine a UFO’s engine sounds. It’s fun. It’s spacey-wacey. I like it, but don’t love it.

Belarus Story of My Life by NAVIBAND

What is this?! Terribly executed, folk-rock.

If I had a life as bad as this “story” sounds, I’d be asking for a do-over.

Belgium City Lights by Blanche

This instrumentation is like a 9 year old that’s had too much sugar. Aside from some falsetto, its a bit anti-climactic.

Bulgaria Beautiful Mess by Kristian Kostov

It doesn’t matter how much of a beautiful mess this is, it’ll never be better than Poli Genova from 2016. Never.

Croatia My Friend by Jacques Houdek

Imagine Alan Menken had a gay-by with Pavarotti. Now imagine that whilst on a bad acid trip. That’s what this is like.

Cyprus Gravity by Hovig

Normally I’ve no time for the dross Cyprus enters. But this? This is almost like Cyprus have put some effort in! Bravo.

Czech Republic My Turn by Martina Bárta

This low-budget, Michelle McManus, Pop Idol vibe is doing nothing for me. The final crescendo is totally squandered too.

Denmark Where I Am by Anja Nissen

I freaking love this. Tub-thumping track, authoritative vocals and a bassline that gets you in the gut.

Estonia Verona by Koit Toome and Laura

Estonia going choosing a Shakespearean tragedy as the theme of their song is a bold and a self-referential choice. Poor.

Finland Blackbird by Norma John

Look, Finland: I don’t mind if you want a ballad as your entry, I just want a good one, not a snooze fest.

France Requiem by Alma

I was thinking ‘how typically dark, moody and French’. Then WHAM, you get drama and sparkle. Pleasantly surprised.

Georgia Keep The Faith by Tamara Gachechhiladze

Even with a decent vocal and key change, nothing can save this uninspiring and incoherent ballad.

Germany Perfect Life by Levina

This appears to have sampled Journey; which is fine. I’m not falling asleep to it. I’m also don’t have the feels.

Greece This is Love by Demy

Love, this is not, for this pop ballad cum Swedish House anthem. It fails to excite for more than a fleeting moment.

Hungary Origi by Joci Papai

This is a completely incoherent mess of a track. Partly as I can’t speak Hungarian; mostly in the sense that it’s shit.

Iceland Paper by Svala

These lyrics are unintelligible. I love a good broken metaphor, but these are more broken than crumbling papier mache.

Ireland Dying to Try by Brendan Murray

This takes way, way too long to get going, and by the time it does, it’s too late to bring it back. Just a bit boring.

Israel I Feel Alive by Imri

This starts with purpose, builds well, and adds enough twists to keep things interesting throughout. A crowd pleaser.

Italy Occidentali’s Karma by Francesco Gabbani

Apparently this song has something to do with a gorilla? Yeah, me neither. Basically a crappy Coldplay rip-off. But I love it!

Latvia Line by Triana Park

This high-energy track would be at home in European gay clubs, but with such over-processed vocals, it’s underwhelming.

Lithuania Rain of Revolution by Fusedmarc

Remember the super annoying French horn from Theme Hospital’s sound track? That’s here in this really terrible track.

Macedonia Dance Alone by Jana Burčheska

Oi Macedonia! Icona Pop called: they want their song back!

This is a floor-filler: it’s 80s synth meets 2017 club anthem.

Malta Breathlessly by Claudia Faniello

With this track, you never stop hoping that vocalist Claudia might really run out of air, just so the song ends sooner.

Moldova Hey Momma by Sunstroke Project

Hello Momma! This is a fun, frenetic, funk-fest. Fun but not phenomenal. It’ll be good for a dance though.

Montenegro Space by Slavko Kalezić

This guy is literally singing about having wet dreams in disco space. I don’t know where to start with that.

Netherlands Lights and Shadows by OG3NE

Some beautiful multi-part harmonies, a brilliant middle eight crescendo, and (possibly false) key change. Great!

Norway Grab the Moment by Jowst

Aside from the graphic lyrical imagery, this is yet another Bieber-style affair that doesn’t stand out from the pack.

Poland Flashlight by Kasia Maos

This is crap. But it doesn’t matter: the diaspora will ensure scores well regardless, as is the way of things.

Portugal Amar Pelos Dois by Salvador Sobral

Portugal are back! Unfortunately.

The only thing that song would be good for is to help insomniacs finally get some shuteye.

Romania Yodel It! (feat. Alex Florea) by Iliaca

So this song has yodelling.

It’s novel! It’s impressive!

It takes about 30 seconds before it starts to piss you off!

Russia Flame Is Burning by Julia Samoylova

Russia have pulled out because politics. Having heard this track, I’m OK with: it’s one of their weakest entries in years.

San Marino Spirit of the Night by Valentina Monetta & Jimmie Wilson

This song proves yet again that life’s too short to listen to San Marino’s Eurovision tracks. presses skip track button.