I listened to every Eurovision 2017 entry, so you don’t have to

Despite a fairly interesting middle eight, this song is fairly drab. I don’t like it. If I had to guess, you won’t either.

Whilst the instrumentation is trippy, there’s less vocal punch in this track than on an overbooked United flight. Dull.

This is as slick as usual from Australia, but it lacks the funk of 2015 and the sparkle of 2016. It’s good, but not amazing.

I only have one question about this song: is this an advert for Nike?

This is fun, likeable song, but it’s no showstopper.

This track sounds like I imagine a UFO’s engine sounds. It’s fun. It’s spacey-wacey. I like it, but don’t love it.

What is this?! Terribly executed, folk-rock.

If I had a life as bad as this “story” sounds, I’d be asking for a do-over.

This instrumentation is like a 9 year old that’s had too much sugar. Aside from some falsetto, its a bit anti-climactic.

It doesn’t matter how much of a beautiful mess this is, it’ll never be better than Poli Genova from 2016. Never.

Imagine Alan Menken had a gay-by with Pavarotti. Now imagine that whilst on a bad acid trip. That’s what this is like.

Normally I’ve no time for the dross Cyprus enters. But this? This is almost like Cyprus have put some effort in! Bravo.

This low-budget, Michelle McManus, Pop Idol vibe is doing nothing for me. The final crescendo is totally squandered too.

I freaking love this. Tub-thumping track, authoritative vocals and a bassline that gets you in the gut.

Estonia going choosing a Shakespearean tragedy as the theme of their song is a bold and a self-referential choice. Poor.

Look, Finland: I don’t mind if you want a ballad as your entry, I just want a good one, not a snooze fest.

I was thinking ‘how typically dark, moody and French’. Then WHAM, you get drama and sparkle. Pleasantly surprised.

Even with a decent vocal and key change, nothing can save this uninspiring and incoherent ballad.

This appears to have sampled Journey; which is fine. I’m not falling asleep to it. I’m also don’t have the feels.

Love, this is not, for this pop ballad cum Swedish House anthem. It fails to excite for more than a fleeting moment.

This is a completely incoherent mess of a track. Partly as I can’t speak Hungarian; mostly in the sense that it’s shit.

These lyrics are unintelligible. I love a good broken metaphor, but these are more broken than crumbling papier mache.

This takes way, way too long to get going, and by the time it does, it’s too late to bring it back. Just a bit boring.

This starts with purpose, builds well, and adds enough twists to keep things interesting throughout. A crowd pleaser.

Apparently this song has something to do with a gorilla? Yeah, me neither. Basically a crappy Coldplay rip-off. But I love it!

This high-energy track would be at home in European gay clubs, but with such over-processed vocals, it’s underwhelming.

Remember the super annoying French horn from Theme Hospital’s sound track? That’s here in this really terrible track.

Oi Macedonia! Icona Pop called: they want their song back!

This is a floor-filler: it’s 80s synth meets 2017 club anthem.

With this track, you never stop hoping that vocalist Claudia might really run out of air, just so the song ends sooner.

Hello Momma! This is a fun, frenetic, funk-fest. Fun but not phenomenal. It’ll be good for a dance though.

This guy is literally singing about having wet dreams in disco space. I don’t know where to start with that.

Some beautiful multi-part harmonies, a brilliant middle eight crescendo, and (possibly false) key change. Great!

Aside from the graphic lyrical imagery, this is yet another Bieber-style affair that doesn’t stand out from the pack.

This is crap. But it doesn’t matter: the diaspora will ensure scores well regardless, as is the way of things.

Portugal are back! Unfortunately.

The only thing that song would be good for is to help insomniacs finally get some shuteye.

So this song has yodelling.

It’s novel! It’s impressive!

It takes about 30 seconds before it starts to piss you off!

Russia have pulled out because politics. Having heard this track, I’m OK with: it’s one of their weakest entries in years.

This song proves yet again that life’s too short to listen to San Marino’s Eurovision tracks. presses skip track button.

This is unexpectedly strong from Serbia. It’s not my favourite club-style anthem this year, but it’s a solid crack.

This is definitely a lost track from a Disney movie that never got finished because someone realised it was rubbish.

Just bring back Ruth Lorenzo?

I love Swedish pop music and I love this track. If it survives this graveyard slot, I’d guess it’s a potential winner.

There is more precision in the execution of this powerful, beautiful song than a well made Swiss watch. Just excellent.

Ah, so Ukraine realised they can’t afford to host again next year then. It’s different: but that’s not a good thing.

They’ve done a number on this compared to how dull it sounded during our national selection, but that won’t save it.