Circumstances? Capability? Desire?

Is it that the job is hard, that I can’t do it, or that I don’t want it now that I have it?

Those the are the questions that have been plaguing my mind for the past month in the run up to my end of year review, which took place this week.

I have had in my sights, since 2013 when I joined the Civil Service, that I wanted to be a senior civil servant. I was told back then, and I believed it, that I was one of the select few people chosen to be the next generation of leaders in public service; that was the point, they said, of the Fast Stream graduate programme. Not to body shop in people that would get stuck in middle management, but to climb above all of that and shape and lead huge swathes of activity in service of the government of the day.

And, in September, I got what I wanted. It took a little longer than I thought it might and it didn’t happen in the way I expected, but I’m there now. Deputy Director. Senior civil servant. Chief Executive, no less.

Not just any random job either. One I actually spent time preparing for. I’d already been in this team for more than 3 years, learning everything there was to learn about the field. One I’d got a genuine passion for as a subject matter area. If there was any job in the SCS that had my name written all over it, it should have been this one.

I really liked my previous role and what I got to do on a daily basis, even though it was hard. But this job? Well, not to get to Marie Kondo about it, but it no longer brings me joy.

Loads of people have jobs they hate. I’ve never had that and I don’t hate this one. But I don’t know if what I have to do, now I am “in charge”, is the stuff I want to do, and that’s causing a lot of soul searching. The balance has shifted. The scales are off.

Do I want to be “in charge” or do I like to be the expert in the room instead? Are those two things incompatible?

Do I want to stay in the Civil Service? If not, would there be another sector that would give me a similar purpose or would it be a “grass is always greener” scenario?

Or is it circumstantial? Is it just that this job, in this moment, is at the centre of a bunch of really hard choices and the task ahead is beyond my capability to resolve and do well? Is this all impostor syndrome or would it be just as hard for someone else?

I’m not sure an end of year review is meant to generate this much angst, but it has.

Given all that, I’m trying to anchor myself in the things I do know.

I am getting good feedback from my team and those around me that I am doing the right things, in the right way.

I am a nerd. I do know my stuff. I am often the one in the room that has the right answer.

I’m a products and outcomes person, not an ivory tower thinker. That is my strength and it is a choice to lean into it in the way that I do.

And I don’t think anyone else would have been able to do this any better than I have in the past 9 months.

But still…

Is it that the job is hard, that I can’t do it, or that I don’t want it now that I have it?